I
on every corner, on every street, in every room, in every place
the school, the yard, the public pool, the park
from child- (all through the neighbour-) to adulthood
wanna try to elude – good luck!
all the hundreds and thousands of eyes
that are examining her
in every room, on every street, everyday
too tall, too small, too shy
all the times she cried, too
thick, too thin
too much tan on her skin
she could need make-up on her face
we all compete in that race
more or less, I'd like to say
is she as beautiful as I am?
does she stand by her man?
's the one that I adore
this bitch is a whore
tired of it, but identifying with the must haves
as there are: beauty – sexiness – motherhood
and self-esteem in between
these eyes that are a burden on a thousand shoulders
annoying, but subject-composing
a self built up on contradictions and ambivalence
like there's no right life in the wrong one*
(but that's the only one we've got)
II
the anticipated, the over-emphasized
that's me
always assuming for
always projecting on
the other, the counterpart
I look away
change sides
don't speak what's on my mind
because of you
to not make you angry and afraid
irresponsibility and disrespect would be the opposite – nothing to die for
__
*T. W. Adorno